There are several reasons why we do our best to hide our sensitivity and wear a mask most of the time. The first that comes to mind is that we were forced to wear this mask so as not to look different. Either it was imposed on us so as not to disturb, or we adopted it, with no other better option, to keep up appearances and be like the others. Somehow this mask has often helped us to evolve in a world devoid of sensitivity, it has sometimes even become second nature.
Despite evolving awareness, despite the information that is spreading, discussing the subject of hypersensitivity can still be delicate and thorny.
First there is this stigmatization on these issues, an abysmal ignorance, and then above all the judgment of others which hurts us on many occasions.
The term is still too little known and poorly understood. It is perhaps also clumsy because sensitivity is often a word associated with sentimentality and susceptibility. I wouldn't be the first to consider another term, but which one? I do not know. Opinions are divided. Hyperconscious? Maybe? One thing is certain, when I discovered my sensitivity, I needed to put a label on my mode of operation. When you've been in a fog for years, wondering if you have a serious problem, the act of labeling yourself can help answer personal questions. And then nothing commits us to wearing this label for life. We can withdraw it at any time and then step back. Wearing a label can be a form of therapy and help us accept the way we operate. But labels have the particularity of being able to come off or fade and disappear at the rate of our progress and our awareness. They of course have a role of information at first sight, but they never provide answers.
The answers lie in the awareness that we will have to live with the incomprehension of others, and this is a difficult feeling to accept and live with. Feeling constantly rejected, knowing that there will always be a certain gap with the rest of the world, forces us to move forward in an often heavy solitude... But there are still so many other things.
When describing sensitivity, on paper, it may seem poetic, but the reality linked to hypersensitivity can also hurt. And very often, the daily life of highly sensitive people is neither glamorous nor sexy if we rely on the experiences and facts of sensitive people. It's very beautiful when we portray it, but it also has darker sides that have nothing to do with the strong emotions and these difficult states that we have to channel.
High sensitivity is also about others, their gaze, their words, and the certainty that nothing and no one will be able to console us in the most complex moments except ourselves and other highly sensitive souls like us.
So sensitivity is magnificent and I wouldn't want to change anything about who I am, but our reality is not as rose-colored as the world we aspire to.
So what are the reasons that sometimes prevent us from expressing ourselves on the subject?
1.– We were taught that sensitivity was a form of weakness.
From our first social interactions, at school, there are three types of personality that stand out and form groups: the leaders/influencers who call the shots and dictate the general movement, the followers who conform to the behavior of the leaders and don't make waves, and the infamous "sissies" who are made fun of... because of their sensitivity. And this pattern unfortunately continues into adulthood.
So from childhood, highly sensitive people are sidelined, and the world does not do them any favors. It is at this early stage of life that they learn to wear a mask to benefit from a semblance of social recognition and not show others their vulnerability because this in itself would be a condemnation and exclusion from the group.
Yet vulnerability, like empathy, is definitely a human trait, everyone has it. But admitting it and exposing it is a “banned” fact. Claiming vulnerability amounts to announcing a certain weakness, so everyone defends themselves so as not to be rejected. How many times have you heard people say, “I’m vulnerable”? This word has such a negative imprint that, even if I claim my vulnerability, I would only use it in the presence of people with whom I feel safe. Likewise with sensitivity, it is a subject that I always approach cautiously. In the eyes of all, we should all move forward without mentioning the obstacles we encounter, in silence, and by controlling our emotions.
Unfortunately emotions are not so easily controlled.
2.– We have been taught to silence our experiences and our emotions under the pretext of stopping playing the victim.
When someone says to us: “Don’t you feel like you’re victimizing yourself a little now? ”, it’s like a punch in the stomach. And certainly, an abrupt end to the conversation. What can you say now that the sentence has been handed down? Nothing. You lower your head once again, realizing for the umpteenth time that you can't confide in anyone, and that negative emotions are never considered valid in the eyes of others.
How many times have you been reprimanded because you reported the bad behavior of another student at school or a colleague at work? How many times have people laughed in your face and waved away your complaints? My stomach hurts just thinking about it.
I have not suffered it personally because I am a highly sensitive ambivert and I knew how to dance with wolves. But how many times have I intervened to defend the “weak”. It made me angry because I felt their discomfort, their despair, their suffering and even their shame. Even today, I remember all the highly sensitive people I took under my wing because they were mistreated and the laughing stock of others. Being a highly sensitive ambivert helped me a lot, but I had a lot of trouble getting rid of my mask which was more of an armor. And to be honest with myself, I still wear this armor very often to intervene with the bullies of society. I can't stand oppression, violence in all its forms and injustice... it activates my savior syndrome!
The danger of wearing a mask all the time is that it becomes second nature, and when the engine becomes well-honed, it distances us from our emotions and leads us to deny them. So, you never realize the seriousness of the actions taken against you... and you forget to do yourself justice.
3.– To avoid being gaslighted by others
“Gaslighting” is a word that we hear everywhere, especially to denounce the actions of narcissists… But “gaslighting” is another method of demeaning others through emotional manipulation. This type of behavior consists of making you doubt reality, the legitimacy of your emotions and your mental state as a whole. Nice painting! Consequences: you come to believe that you have a problem, that something is “wrong” with you. To take a few examples, "gaslighting" can resemble these remarks heard daily: "You always do too much", "It's all in your head", "You're getting ideas", "You really have a problem”, “You take everything personally”, “You complain about everything”… This type of thinking has been so trivialized that without realizing it, we use them too. And since we are talking about highly sensitive people, very often, we happen to be our own critics and to “gaslight” against us, too accustomed to minimizing our emotions.
So to avoid these kinds of observations, we refrain from expressing what we feel so as not to hear someone make us doubt our mental state. Because those who use “gaslighting” have a special gift for convincing us that we undoubtedly have a serious problem, and that we need to get help. Help to do what? I don't know. But get help anyway.
(Not sure if you're highly sensitive? Here are the signs of a highly sensitive person. You can also take the test here)
4 – Just to conform and look as if…
Look like what? As if everything is under control, that life is beautiful and that everything is perfect in the best of all possible worlds. Really? Why would we play this stupid game of “pretend”? Simply to make a good impression, in fact. And respond to the request of others which boils down to: when I ask you “Are you okay?”, I don’t expect anything more than a “Yes, very good!” People, generally, are absolutely not interested in hearing about your feelings or your problems. Their question was purely formal.
Conforming to the rhetoric and smiling on command, as if nothing had happened when deep down the volcano is erupting, that’s all that is asked of us. Otherwise we disturb. Even if inside we are on the verge of implosion.
With the nauseating wave of positive thinking where everywhere we look, the walls are plastered with mottos such as “Always positive” or “good vibes only”, this does not encourage us to confide in anybody. We would disturb the zen atmosphere. So we take it upon ourselves and smile so as not to let anything show.
We are so programmed that we have all adopted automatisms, without even realizing it, for fear of betraying ourselves. When we are asked if things are “going well”, we all have the reflex to answer “very well” straight away. Not just “good”. No. "very well". [Do not disturb].
And then, the group effect is not there to fix things because, in the collective unconscious, it is so attractive to always be positive, a person that nothing can shake and who supports everything. Only there’s a catch… it’s a comedy, we definitely can’t stand it all. And there is nothing tragic or weak about that. It's simply human.
5.– Because we are in denial.
When we take into account everything I have just stated previously, in order not to face our tsunami of emotions, we sometimes confront a pernicious problem: denial. Even if we have a good overall understanding of our emotions, sometimes we act as if they don't exist, as if everything is fine. This is self-sabotage. This lack of control can only make our emotional state worse. Repeating a mantra that we don't believe in: “I am calm, serene and fulfilled.” is lying to ourselves so as not to face our emotions. Who do you want to convince at all costs? Is this a somewhat particular and not really effective way of reasoning with ourselves, remaining in a bubble of false protection, in order to escape a reality that is too painful and frightening?
Of course we would like to be able to control these overwhelming emotions and block them when they overwhelm us and we lose our footing. But that will just be putting a bandage on an open wound to hide it. There will be no understanding or healing of our wounds. The first steps to healing are to get to the root of our problems, not to hide them by any means. And another huge step to healing is acceptance. So of course, this requires a lot of kindness around you. But unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky.
6.– We have difficulty finding the words to express what we feel.
To develop the previous point, in order to accept our sensitivity and face our denial, we need a trigger. This trigger appears when we can confide in caring people who will make us understand that we cannot change our sensitivity, that we cannot prevent certain people from criticizing us, and that the way to move forward is to accept all these facts.
When we have been programmed since childhood to believe in certain norms, deconstruction can be particularly difficult. It is in-depth work, but the only way to be able to integrate and claim who we really are. Finding the words to explain what we experience, what we feel can act as a positive catalyst. This is why consulting a professional can be THE solution to define what is happening inside you, to deconstruct the protective mechanisms that have prevented you from living in alignment with yourself. If necessary, find a support group of sensitive people who will know how you feel, have experienced the same issues as you and have encountered the same obstacles. People like you who wear or have worn a mask to hide their sensitivity.
Putting words to your feelings highlights your pain and your struggles, it’s very liberating. You can also relieve yourself and relax by keeping a journal, the benefits of this activity are incredible.
7 – The fear of disturbing and being a burden for others…
Wearing a mask can also completely isolate yourself so that there are no witnesses when our emotions become too difficult. When our emotional state becomes a succession of roller coasters, instinctively, we try to preserve others by inventing various scenarios so as not to encounter them, and not to put ourselves in an even more painful situation. Showing our vulnerability can potentially backfire and be misused, but it can also scare others. It is therefore a way of protecting ourselves and also of not burdening others so as not to make them uncomfortable or frighten them.
For highly sensitive people, the emotional need to fit in by not attracting unwanted attention requires them to wear a mask.
Indeed, many highly sensitive people have learned, often unconsciously, to mask their sensitivity and try to ignore their needs for sensitivity. But when we emotionally mask one of the largest parts of ourselves to align socially, our comfort can come at the expense of our authenticity and well-being.
To find this well-being, we must accept and cultivate our sensitivity, even if we have to face on a daily basis a culture where being very sensitive, too often, generates an unfavorable response. Only by remaining focused on and following our values can we be authentic.
If you encounter blockages or if you do not know where to start, maybe coaching will help you take the first steps in discovering when you really feel like yourself and when you're masking yourself to please others. It's okay to mask up, sometimes it can provide relief, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself for the comfort of others.
You can freely be yourself and enjoy the experience!
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