Highly sensitive people are people who suffer and who often suffer in silence, ... generally away from the world. So if it is not seen, if it is not heard, this suffering is nevertheless very real, and if no one takes it into account, well it can give rise to dramas. So how do we get out of it? That's what we're going to see together. But first, we're going to see why highly sensitive people are often in pain.
Highly sensitive people are people, as you probably know, who have heightened emotional reactions. That is to say, they have perceptions of the world that are amplified compared to the norm... wait, wait... I'll remove the word norm because often our suffering begins because of these famous norms, so let's say... compared to the majority. So as I was saying, highly sensitive people have amplified perceptions and feelings. I'll take the example of smells, because it's the sense that is the highest in me and whose effect on me I know all too well.
So imagine that a person who is very sensitive to smells is shopping in a mall where there are mixtures of perfumes, restaurant smells and so on... and that this person feels assailed by mixed smells that are more or less pleasant to the point of feeling enormous discomfort that can even lead to physical discomfort. Because of their highly developed senses, smells that for the majority are simple smells and that do not bother them more than that, a highly sensitive person will smell all these smells 10 times, 20 times more than the others… and this is not a figment of the imagination… or an exaggeration… it is a reality of perception… a reality that many scientific studies have been able to prove.
Certain parts of the brain of highly sensitive people are in fact much more active than the majority.
But this reality of perception, less sensitive people cannot understand it. They cannot understand to what extent a highly sensitive person can be affected by an environment that for them is completely normal, while for a highly sensitive person, it can be totally unbearable. This perception will therefore create a gap and an intellectual impossibility of understanding this difference in perception and feeling. So it is not to point the finger at less sensitive people or victimize highly sensitive people, it is simply a reality.
And the gap can be multiple. The first gap that we can feel is the one on the physical level, that of our feelings in relation to our heightened senses. As I just told you, this gap is problematic. We try to describe what we feel, but people do not perceive it, and in general we get reproaches like: “Yeah, you are too sensitive. Try to ignore the smells and think about something else.” The list is long and you know it. In short, because people cannot understand that highly sensitive people have a perception of the world that is not the same as theirs, the response to these reproaches, to criticisms and to general incomprehension, can trigger 3 types of reaction and 3 types of suffering.
Get away
The first is to get away from the world as often as possible, and go to places cut off from stimuli like a forest or a park. OK, it's a solution, but it's a solution that isolates and makes us suffer when it is experienced as an obligation to avoid being overwhelmed. Because, despite our inconveniences with stimuli, and our need for solitude to recharge, highly sensitive people not only have a great capacity for connection but also a great need for connection... like all humans, by the way. And this need for connection of course implies having interactions with others... unless we talk to ourselves so as not to be contradicted, but then we face a big problem... I'm joking and I digress... So isolating ourselves and taking breaks from stimuli, yes, but not if this isolation is badly experienced due to a lack of connection with others.
Fundamental relational gap
Highly sensitive people, by their empathic nature, deeply love humans, but when we talk about human contact, that's where the second problem and the second suffering comes into play.
And I'm talking here about motivation, but also about the quality and depth of human contact. Because the needs of highly sensitive people in terms of relationships - whatever they may be, are also out of step with others. Most people have motivations based on ego, based on domination, based on power, based on materialism... not to mention the unbearable superficiality. Take a look around your relationships and you will sadly notice that, for the most part, people often have a motivation in their relationships. They want to get something from someone, and that is deeply disturbing for highly sensitive people who are generally altruistic people. Feeling manipulated, being the object of any materialistic interest or other, is particularly unbearable for highly sensitive people and it creates deep suffering for them.
Of course, we can participate in social discussions out of pure politeness. We are not going to start philosophical or metaphysical debates at the bakery, and refuse any exchange because we do not like social events. That would be perfectly absurd and irrelevant. But having only superficial relationships with our loved ones, friends or partners cannot fulfill us. On the contrary, it will frustrate us and make us suffer terribly. As for relationships based on interests, we loathe them. Transforming all relationships into a commercial system of exchanges, bargains, gain, calculation and negotiations is something that we can neither understand nor adhere to. Where are the feelings, emotions and real connections in this type of relationship? For the highly sensitive, it is simply inconceivable.
Highly sensitive people are rather altruistic, benevolent and generous people who will do things without expecting anything in return. The problem is that most people do not operate like that... They have different expectations, different motives... which are often governed by fear... mainly by the fear of not being seen and recognized, but also the fear of not having enough money, the fear of being alone or the fear of not belonging, for example. Among the other motives, there are also purely egotistical desires in order to obtain gains by taking from others what we do not have or what we cannot obtain, by taking advantage of others and manipulating them. This is really something that highly sensitive people do not like, but of which they are often victims.
So what will this type of fundamental relational gap give rise to in the life of a highly sensitive person?
Between altruism, which is one of their fundamental qualities, and relationships based on the interest of others which are an enigma for them, but perfectly normal for the majority, this will pose a real problem. A real problem of socialization, integration and belonging because we do not want and cannot participate in this type of relationship. What solution will we then seek to apply at these times? Well very often, we will try to seek the company of other highly sensitive people. At first glance, this could be the solution in an ideal world. Except that the real world is not quite like this. Because another problem will appear… this may seem counterintuitive but in fact, it is quite logical. First, research has shown that highly sensitive people tend to fall into three different groups according to a sensitivity spectrum: low, medium and high. This therefore implies that our sensitivity is not the same. Added to this is the fact that each highly sensitive person has different areas of sensitivity and reacts differently to the same situation and the same problem. What does that mean? It means that you have people who are going to be particularly sensitive to odors, like me for example, while another highly sensitive person may have another much more developed sense and never feel what I feel. On the other hand, unlike the less sensitive, they will understand perfectly that I can be affected by my heightened olfactory sensitivity.
Where we can run into trouble in our interactions with other highly sensitive people is that we won’t know what their triggers are. While it’s easy to quickly learn sensory triggers… noises, smells, etc… we just have to ask them. On the other hand, without really knowing the person in front of us well, we can’t know the particular type of behavior they were overexposed to during their childhood… We therefore have no idea what might trigger an intense emotional reaction because of a word, an observation or a way of acting. We then find ourselves in the role of a less sensitive person and encounter the same problem as them, namely that we don’t know what might provoke a strong reaction in our sensitive fellow.
The difference, which is major however, is that by noticing that we have triggered an emotion without wanting to, we will not only be able to understand, but also have a lot of empathy towards our sensitive friend.
So even if the trigger is not something that does not speak to us directly, we can resonate with the heightened emotion even if we cannot resolve it. We can offer the necessary space so that the other can calm down, feel understood and supported. I don't know if you have a lot of highly sensitive people around you, but often at the beginning of the relationship, it is magical, but after a while, the risks of explosion and clash also exist in this dynamic because there are resonances of faults. I will give you a personal example. I have a highly sensitive friend who, like me, has a heightened sensitivity to odors. Only each of us experiences it completely differently. I feel as much pleasure as disgust for perfumes or odors. Some smells will completely elevate my well-being while others can instantly transform my mood and disturb me terribly. My friend, for her part, cannot stand any perfume. Absolutely none. So when I have her over, I open all the windows to air out the rooms as much as possible, I lock away all my essential oils, and of course, I don't wear my favorite perfume. Do you see what I mean? All this to say that the success of a relationship between highly sensitive people is not necessarily doomed to success. And here, I only gave an example of heightened sensory sensitivity... so emotional ones are even worse, much more subtle, intimate and often linked to traumas that we do not know about.
So these are, in general, the problems that highly sensitive people can encounter between themselves.
But as I mentioned, by getting to know the other, by being very attentive to the slightest signals - which is our second nature, a relationship whatever its nature can be very beautiful and deep with another highly sensitive person. It is not obvious, it is not always easy either because we can be led to walk on eggshells, but with love and compassion, I remain convinced that it can be a magical dynamic. Otherwise we are left with the last solution which, personally, makes me very sad but which unfortunately many highly sensitive people end up adopting.
Withdrawing from the world
This third solution is total solitude. That is to say, withdrawing from the world, not trying to have a particular social life because it bores us anyway. Isolating ourselves from everything and everyone, because others have concerns that do not interest us at all. But we ultimately forget the importance and the need to be together. But we cannot be together if we are in a world that is not run by a form of benevolence but on the contrary, which is run by material profit, for example. This is still the majority in our society today. And most highly sensitive people are tired of that, they feel alone, they are isolated, they are suffering. However, we can be in this world in total harmony... while remaining highly sensitive. Yes, yes, I assure you that it is possible. This sensitivity is a bit like a superpower that we are born with but for which we have never received the user manual. Since most of the people who raised us in childhood are not highly sensitive, no one has taught us how to tame our super sensitivity, but it can be learned. It is something that can be acquired, it is something that can lead you to harmony. It is something that can lead you to a way of life that you may not even suspect… a way of life that will allow you to accept and honor your sensitivity, while being in your place… your place as a highly sensitive person in this world.
Because this world needs you. This world needs highly sensitive people.
So I know that you have certainly all tried to find your place and that you are tired, that you no longer want to be part of this world. And I understand you because you felt that way for a long time, too. And yet, if this world did not have highly sensitive people to give it a little humanity, in your opinion, where would it go and how fast? The world needs you. The world needs highly sensitive people. I am firmly convinced of this. But the world needs the highly sensitive who have tamed their sensitivity and who do not impose it on the rest of their entourage. Even if it sometimes seems like a burden to us, it is our responsibility to understand it, accept it and love it.
Our sensitivity is a treasure trove of qualities, talents and gifts, so the more difficult slopes can be worked on. Our sensitivity can be tamed. And I assure you that we can succeed in doing extraordinary things, as much for ourselves as for those around us. We can live fulfilled if we choose to look at all the wonderful assets of our sensitivity and accept its setbacks. And then those around us will end up learning our way of functioning. Because it is not up to those around us to adapt to our sensitivity. They can support us in somewhat critical moments, but it is up to us to tame this sensitivity to ensure that we can be ourselves in this world that needs us so much.
So that we can be together and bring to this world the sensitivity that it so badly needs, it is up to us to show that generosity, empathy, altruism and service to others are the solutions not the problems.
Those who follow my work know that I do it with passion. So here it is! I want to invite you to what we create together, not a world where highly sensitive people only take care of highly sensitive people, but a world where sensitivity is recognized as a quality that everyone needs without the less sensitive feeling obliged to walk on eggshells around us. A world where highly sensitive people do not carry their sensitivity as a burden, but as a sacred gift that we must share.
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