When I created this community, I wanted all empaths and highly sensitive people to find information, comfort, support, and a warm, safe place to meet others like them. I also wanted to empower them to accept their special gift. However, I didn't think I would be led to talk about those who, unfortunately and too often, punctuate our lives and our relationships... the narcissists!
There is already so much competent information on this subject, but to avoid talking about it is simply to ignore one of the biggest challenges, in the life of empaths and highly sensitive people. I will therefore take the bull by the horns and confront myself with this subject which is so real, so vast and so sad.
Today I want to give you 10 ways narcissists will try to control you and 10 ways to shut them down. If you have any other ideas, share them with us. We are here to help each other.
Now let's get started!
Narcissists are well known for their selfish behaviors, megalomania, and need for control, but we're not fooled! This actually hides their great insecurity and a huge inner emptiness. Whether it's lies, manipulation, "gaslighting" (psychological harassment) or their total lack of empathy, they will do everything in their power to take over, and have the illusion of controlling us… us, their favorite prey, their favorite supply!
So how do you shut down a narcissist and to be under their control?
1. Shield yourself against their psychological harassment
Gaslighting is one of the favorite tactics of narcissists to be able to control you. They are past masters in this field of psychological harassment. Empaths and hypersensitives, who are their favorite victims, know this all too well. The narcissist will use this tactic to deny aggressive behavior, a lie, or minimize an altercation. And then they will try to convince you that what you are accusing them of is not true, or that you are exaggerating the facts.
They might even seem (in fact, pretend to be) surprised or confused by the extent of your reaction. Something like : " I do not know what you're talking about ? Did I miss something in our conversation? Why are you so upset?…
Do these remarks sound familiar to you?
Even if you try to explain to them why you are upset, they deny or minimize what happened, even changing their tone, taking on a suave voice with a bit of pity, just to prove YOU wrong.
Solution:
Some of the solutions? Document each confrontation to gather hard evidence. Take photos, record your conversations, write your experience in a diary. or tell a trusted friend. This way, you will avoid thinking that you are going crazy.
2. Protect yourself from negative projections
Narcissists have super dimensional egos. Their problems, their difficulties, their experiences are always much more important than yours. They will even pass you off as selfish, or someone who doesn't understand their situation, their challenges, in short, their problems.
All the vagaries of life are dramas for them, always the worst thing they have faced in their lives (until now), and that is happening every day! Every day comes with a new drama. They will accuse you of showing only selfishness, and a flagrant inability to understand them; you who, however, should be by their side, for better or for worse,
Narcissists always take their frustrations out on you, instead of trying to solve their problems on their own. They will accuse you of being ruthless and insensitive. They will even go so far as to shamelessly blame you for their problems, completely unaware of how these unfounded accusations may affect you.
Empaths and hypersensitives, with their high emotional sensitivity, often fall victim to the narcissist's negative emotions. They absorb them without realizing it. They can thus find themselves in the situation of reflecting the negative emotions of the narcissist, without wanting to. It is the mirror effect which, as we know, is more developed in empaths and HSPs. This can lead to unwilling outbursts of anger and backlash from them, as they are overwhelmed by the relentless criticism and belittlement of narcissists.
All this is, of course, the consequence of the projection effect, but also of their frustration.
Solution:
Do your best to recognize when you enter this "mirror mode", and deflect their projections. Just stay away from them when you feel negativity rising within you.
Above all, do not indulge in their nonsense. An argument with a narcissist can be the craziest, the most infuriating, but also the most absurd thing to experience.
Also be aware that the problems narcissists encounter are often the result of their own actions, as they love to stir up drama to get others' attention and interest.
You should avoid, at all costs, letting the narcissist drag you into an argument or confrontation… My best advice would be to avoid them, period.
3. Forget the wish for a resolution after an argument
How does a narcissist behave during an argument? Well... They'll do anything to confuse and muddle you up. It's their best tactic.
A small parenthesis… Pay attention to their gaze, the narcissist often avoids “all eye contact” during an altercation. Of course! They are either fooling you or lying to you outright. The shifty gaze is something I've seen many times, when I knew they were telling me shit. Tell me if you noticed this too.
Getting back on topic…so they will try to confuse and confuse you to derail the topic. So it can be something like… “Oh, before I forget, I wanted to tell you”… and they will mention a completely irrelevant fact… Or: “Did you hear that noise? ”… just to divert your attention once again…. Or again: “Remember that a week, six months, a year ago, you said this and that to me...”... all of this, just to change the conversation and get away from the subject of contention.
So keep in mind… Any attempt to have a conversation with a narcissist will get you nowhere… ever. Or else it will simply lead you to useless discussions, on completely random and irrelevant topics.
So when empaths and HSP argue with a narcissist, they often come out frustrated, and even more confused than when they first attempted a conversation.
Solution:
Never expect conflict resolution or closure from narcissists, they will never give it to you, they just can't. They can't because everything about them is inconsistent, and a real house of cards.
4. Value and respect your own opinions.
Narcissists are true masters at devaluing people and making them feel like s…. Empaths and HSP care so much about other people and their opinions, that this behavior obviously affects them a lot. Always wanting to please others, they do their best not to be on the wrong side of anyone…. and that... narcissists notice it, very quickly. And will take advantage of it, it is just a matter of (short) time. That's all they look for in a person, to become their reserve prey, their “beloved” supply. They will then seize this opportunity to take control of your thoughts, your actions,... your life!
You did everything you could, but still failed!... I know... It's so frustrating and sad to always feel like you can't do enough. But make no mistake! In the sick head of a narcissist, he thinks that he will always have you anyway, and whatever you do will never be enough.
Unlike constructive criticism that pushes you to be better, any (hurtful) comment from a narcissist is already an end in itself. They know how to spot your flaws and weaknesses and will exploit them, one by one. Under the pretext of making you “better” and helping you (of course!), they will push you to overcome your weak points. They will even go so far as to ask you to correct your faults, and set the bar so high that they cannot reach it themselves. Real human cockroaches these narcissists, and that's not being kind with cockroach!
Solution:
Fight this by ignoring their opinions, set your own standards and stick to them instead of letting the narcissist dictate theirs.
5. Don't fall into their triangulation trap
Another tactic some narcissists use to control you is to bring a third party into your relationship. They make you believe that they consulted other people about your relationship, and that these people agreed with them…on a fight, for example. It is a method of triangulation to make you doubt yourself, quite simply. In the majority of cases, they haven't told anyone about your problems. Another one of their lies! And even if they did, you can imagine how much the reported facts were twisted, of course in their favor!
Beyond frustration, guilt and sometimes even shame, you will also feel that your privacy has been violated. These are terrible and devastating feelings.
Solution:
Don't fall into this trap! Remember that narcissists are con artists. They've been lying all their lives, so more than likely they're lying by telling you that they asked someone else's advice.
Strike back and play their game… but for real! Use their strategy, and ask for their opinion from others, from those around YOU… And observe how the narcissist will react to his own unhealthy method of triangulation.
6. Be perfectly clear
Empaths and highly sensitive people need to be very careful when dealing with narcissists. The latter are convinced that they have the ability to read the minds of others... as if they had some kind of special gift. So they distort everything you say, under the pretext of understanding your “insinuations”. Of course, all of these so-called insinuations are a new ploy. They accuse you of things you didn't say, but which they supposedly understood. All this to make you look like the bad guy, and degrade you again. With them, everything is an excuse to smear you, curse you and make you guilty of anything. Beware of their sick manipulation!
Solution:
Be very clear when sharing an opinion with them. Pay attention to the words you use, and assert yourself, even if it means having them repeat what you have just said, even if it means asking them to confirm that they have understood,... and what they have understood. They're not going to like it, but it's the only way they won't hijack your words and give them a completely wrong or intentionally distorted meaning.
In conclusion… Don't let the narcissist put words in your mouth.
7. Don't let them divert a conversation when you expose them.
When caught in the act of lying or tricked by their own actions, narcissists become great deflectors. They can't stand to lose. So they will do whatever they can to turn the debate around and win.
Empaths and hypersensitives have a deep aversion to conflict, and try to avoid it as much as possible. But when they come up against a disagreement, they do their best to find a solution. Well… Narcissists don't work that way at all. What a surprise, no?! So when their fault is made clear to them, they try to get off topic, and look for other areas where they can shift the blame onto you.
Solution:
Don't let that happen! Force them not to change the subject. Do not exhaust yourself in another direction, totally unrelated to the subject! It is their tactic. Do not fall into the trap!
Instead call them on their attempts of diversion... and game over! If that doesn't work, get out.
8. Don't isolate yourself!
When you are trapped in a toxic relationship, you sometimes feel shame and isolate yourself from the rest of the world. Believe me, the narcissist is just waiting for this, and will do anything to make it happen. It is their plan to victimize you and make you more vulnerable to their schemes. It is much more difficult to scam a group than a single person.
Solution:
Don't let that happen! And don't lock yourself in either! Your friends and family can help you stay in control.
Think about it… it's always easier for a predator to attack when the victim is alone.
So you absolutely need the support of your loved ones to keep the narcissist at bay. Not only will they be able to pick up the pieces if you collapse, but they could also save you before it happens. Talk to your friends, talk openly about your situation, and be receptive to their opinions and advice. They will certainly be more objective than you, because they are neither directly nor emotionally involved. On the other hand, they may be able to open your eyes to things that you have not even perceived.
9. Watch how they try to appear to others.
There is a fairly simple method to quickly detect a narcissist. Just look at the way they try to present themselves. This should be the first red flag to prompt you to be more careful later, and perhaps to prevent future problems.
Although we know that narcissists are egocentric, full of themselves, infatuated and arrogant towards those around them, they can appear at first glance to be likable, charming, intelligent and very charismatic people.
So how do you recognize a narcissist early on when they put on a show from the start?
Narcissists take their appearance very seriously, they want to impress. They are often very focused on their physical appearance, a little too much. They're the ones who can't stop looking at themselves in a mirror, or checking their reflection in a shop window, at the slightest opportunity. They will use their charm to captivate a group, and will be the ones who will shine in society. They will be friendly with everyone and will even make jokes… What a bluff!
It's their way of painting a picture that will showcase them, showing you their false qualities. They will praise their charity, their kindness, even their compassion. It's quite a show (not to be missed!).
Solution:
Remember they are scammers. They simply deceive you to catch you in their net. And when their game has succeeded, it will already be too late, you will have fallen into their trap.
So be attentive to the first signs... Play "look for the intruder" and uncover them before they seduce you! Don't forget that they wear a mask and they will soon take it off, and show you the monster under their seductive artifice.
10. Watch out for traps…remember, you are only prey for them!
Provocation is another of their tactics. They take pleasure in making you react.
An offense disguised as a bad joke here, an insult wrapped in a false compliment there, or a sarcastic allusion punctuated by a peal of cynical laughter, are one of their tried-and-tested tactics that they master perfectly. Another is to ignore or even laugh at your feelings. So many methods to target your insecurities, your weak points, to make you doubt yourself and put you down.
When you finally decide to talk, their first approach will be to pretend that they don’t understand. If that doesn't work, they will even go so far as to question your sanity, and ask you to quickly consult, for your good (of course), they may even play the concerned people!
Solution:
Instead of reacting, ignore them! I know, it can be hard, but it's best to walk away…for your own good. Turn around and say, “Never mind… goodbye!”
But if you can't avoid the situation, give them a taste of their own medicine, respond to them the same way they use with you! Try the mirror effect, and see what happens. They don't like it! They are control freaks and feel entitled to have others submit to them.
So now that we've seen 10 ways and solutions to avoid being controlled by a narcissist...
… Do not forget !
When an empath or a highly sensitive person encounters a narcissist, it's 100% guarantee of disaster and a lot of suffering.
Running away from the situation and regaining control of your life is the only way to break free. Then comes the long healing process.
Of course, there are inevitable situations that are difficult to manage… if you have a family, children with a narcissist for example. Find a support group, ask for help. Above all, do not stay alone!
And if you are in a situation where your life could be in danger, or you are the victim of physical violence… call a professional, call the police, ask for help from a group or an organization specializing in this field.
You want to share your story, your struggles and the battles you won, and be part of our circle of sensitive and intuitive people. Come with us and let's chat with other highly sensitive people! Join the Highly Sensitive Empaths community:
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